That's why I assault Hanabi
by Souffle Rosetti
Summary: Really, the Kyuubi always knew this. Hinata should have expected this. Jiraiya should have known. So how did this little fact about Naruto slip the minds of everyone? It is a delicious crack-fic.


That's why I assault Hanabi.

Chapter One: Pre-emptive strike!

Behold: The greatest ero-comedy the world has ever known! All disclaimers apply, now dive in at full force!

If the title sounds familiar, it should: It, and this fic, is somewhat of a Homage to That's why I assault Ren. Awesome non-ero doujin, it is.

* * *

It was a pretty chilly night, Hanabi realized.

It wasn't very windy, nor actually very cold.

However, when you dress yourself in just a thin, sleeveless shirt and short pants, it can be chilly at any time.

A few weeks ago, she was happily celebrating her tenth birthday with her sister, Hinata, and her friends. It wasn't a very large gathering, just her friends from the academy and Hinata's friends.

A frown came to her face as she recalled just what Konohamaru was celebrating, because it certainly wasn't her birthday. As far as he was concerned, it was probably Moegi's birthday.

Jerk. It's not like she liked him, really. She didn't invite him for her sake, just to be nice!

While her soured mood didn't spoil the party, it did quite get the attention of one Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura. They were kind enough to sit and talk with her, since it seemed that the two had some form of radar that detected trouble with boys.

One short discussion later, and Hanabi had a plan. An evil plan.

Get back at Konohamaru, in every way possible. The method?

"Find a man that surpasses him in every possible way!" Ino said, grinning.

As she sped over the rooftops, a smirk that would fit better on one Samehada-wielding S-rank Missing Nin fell into place on her face.

She had the perfect target.

* * *

Hinata herself, of course, did not know this, but it was virtually impossible to live at the Hyuuga manor, and not hear of one Uzumaki Naruto.

Hinata screamed a lot at night, after all. Far too happily for her father's peace of mind.

However, Hanabi always wanted to know why Naruto's hot dog would be the best. So she simply started to follow her sister around.

Hinata always seemed to be stalking some short kid in an eye-rending jumpsuit(oh god, was it some form of anti-eye bloodline suit? She couldn't stare at it for more than a minute, but somehow Hinata could). However Hinata always had her Byakugan activated, an incredibly red face, and some drool leaking from her mouth, mumbling about meat.

Honestly, she thought the boy liked Ramen. But she shook her head, obviously she had meant something else.

Hanabi, being ever curious, decided to activate her own Byakugan, and looked at him.

'....oh my...'

Hanabi never called her sister weak from that day on, because any girl that resisted... THAT for years on end would have to probably keep themselves tied with a rope to keep from jumping him.

She blinked, though, as she noticed the very taut chakra string that tied Hinata to a tree.

'Oh. Wait, wouldn't that have snapped?'

She looked closer. Nope, there were quite a lot of chakra strings.

However, what Hanabi saw under Naruto's clothes had lit a fire that she didn't know could exist. At that moment, no one could doubt that she and Hinata were sisters, from the identical deep blushes on both of them to the little line of drool that hung out her mouth.

Hanabi and Hinata stayed there for hours even after Naruto left, done with his training. Despite having the Byakugan active, neither noticed each other as they, much later, left for home, way too giddy smiles on their faces.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto, Hanabi decided, was going to be hers, somehow. Konohamaru who?

She however wasn't as shy as her sister.

Oh no, where Hinata was passive, Hanabi was aggressive.

She saw something she wanted, and tonight, after weeks of planning, she'll finally get what she wanted.

She grinned as she neared her quarry's apartment.

Tonight, something will happen that she'll never forget. It's just too bad that it's not for the reasons she'd think.

* * *

Hinata grumbled softly, having been woken up from her wonderful dream by an odd noise. Still in her bed, she activated her Byakugan, quickly looking for what caused it.

She never imagined to see her sister sneaking out of the manor. She expected maybe a cloud ninja or three, but not that.

Hyuuga have insatiable curiosity, really they should do something about it.

Maybe if Hinata did, she would have thought to put on more clothes than a small nightgown when she followed her sister through the night.

* * *

By now though, based on the direction, the last thought on Hinata's mind was what she was wearing. She was already blushing as she noticed that she was heading towards Naruto's apartment.

'Naruto-kun...' she thought.

As such, she was completely unaware as she followed Hanabi to his house.

And thus, unaware that another had joined their little rooftop train.

* * *

Yamanaka Ino was a ninja. It should be said that she's seen a lot of weird shit in her career.

But this was new. Seeing Hanabi leap over the mostly deserted street, followed by a Hinata in an orange nightgown (???) several minutes later, probably in the top ten, next to witnessing Uchiha Sasuke attempt (and fail, to her horror, oh the horror) the Oiroke no jutsu.

Like a good ninja, she followed. This just had to be interesting.

* * *

Hanabi, despite her Byakugan, did not notice the extras following her. No, her eyes were set on the goal, yep. She was a dedicated girl, if anything.

However, hopping off of someone's head without noticing falls a bit short of 'dedicated' in one Haruno Sakura's mind.

Sakura crushed a random rock in her hand as she leapt off after her, minutes later.

* * *

Naruto... slept.

Of course, no one knew what he dreamt of but himself. And the Kyuubi.

The Kyuubi sighed, it was tired of these odd dreams featuring girls in various states of undress and ramen. Or girls in various states of undress in ramen bowls. Or girls in various states of undress serving girls in various states of undress in ramen bowls...

The Kyuubi, mighty as she was, gained a respect for humans as she suffered. She could respect someone that had to suffer such dreams for years.

Puberty was a demon unsealed and it was having it's way with Naruto for years.

Kyuubi sighed. It wasn't that the dreams themselves weren't interesting (or arousing). It's just that they were the SAME THING. Naked girls in ramen bowls or serving ramen. Ramen, ramen, more ramen, it was just too much.

Couldn't he at least have NORMAL wet dreams?

* * *

Hanabi smiled as she landed softly on the porch of his apartment. She checked inside quickly to see if he was asleep, and he was.

Smiling, she made her way to his bedroom window and slid it open, slipping inside quietly.

She started to blush again, now that she was standing over his bed. His covers were mostly kicked aside, leaving his lower body covered, though it easily showed that he liked to sleep shirtless.

Hanabi almost fainted. She didn't need the Byakugan to see his body this time, the moonlight was more than enough.

Her blush was now full enough that her entire neckline and below were her own patented red. She sweated softly, she could do this right? Just like Ino-senpai told her. Just like she read in that odd 'Icha-Icha' book she found in her sister's hidden bookshelf. It held plenty of volumes of it, and she was only up to the third…

Hanabi shook her head, and licked her lips. She could do this.

She bent down next to his head, kneeling on the floor as she brought her face close to his.

"Naruto-kun..." she said softly.

Naruto smiled sleepily, mumbling something about ramen.

Hanabi frowned. And tried again. "Naruto-kuun.." she moaned softly, trying to wake him.

Naruto frowned, that didn't sound like ramen. Oddly enough, in his dreams, all the girls seemed to have blue hair now, instead of brown, or pink.

Hanabi scowled a bit. "Naruto-kun, wake up..." she said, shaking him slightly.

Slowly now, Naruto finally began to open his eyes.

* * *

Hinata watched, just across the street.

The roof under her cracked softly. Some gravel was floating near her. The area around her even seemed darker.

A twitch was in her eye as she watched her little sister get a little bit too close to that manly, chiseled chest and incredible abs, that beautiful face surrounded by his wild, untamable hair, and his incredibly hug-

Thump

Hyuuga Hinata passed out before she could remind herself to actually interrupt.

* * *

And that's what Sakura and Ino stumbled upon. A passed-out Hinata with an incredible nosebleed ("Is.. she dead Sakura? All that blood..."), half-naked with a happy smile on her face, across from Naruto's apartment.

Sakura looked at Ino.

Ino looked at Sakura.

Sakura frowned.

Ino crossed her arms and GLARED. The kind of glare that meant the recipient would be getting nothing for years.

Sakura wilted, and woke Hinata up with a bit of chakra.

* * *

Naruto yawned, completely unaware of his surroundings as he slowly sat up and stretched.

Hanabi thought to herself that she wouldn't ever get anything else good in life because this was as good as it gets.

She smiled softly as she touched his shoulder, "Naruto-kun.."

Naruto yawned again, and turned to face her, half-asleep still, "Mmm... Hinata-chan?"

Hanabi frowned, but before she could say anything, he opened his mouth again.. "No.. too small.. did you learn that henge I taught you Hinata?" he asked.

Now Hanabi was definitely confused. Huh? Henge?

Naruto squinted and smiled. His half-awake brain confirmed that this was definitely Hinata, he knew no one else blushed like that. He slowly moved over to her side and hugged her.

Hanabi melted like butter as he gathered her in his arms. This was just like Icha-Icha! She let out a pleased sound as he held her against his naked chest.

"Ahh, Hinata, you know what I like..." he said dreamily.

Hanabi just kept melting.

* * *

The Kyuubi simply hid her face under her paws.

This was just embarrassing. Yeah, he taught Hanabi this henge all right. In a dream.

The Kyuubi shivered slightly. She was glad she never showed him her real form, or she'd end up in his dreams as well.

Who would have known that Naruto liked his girls... young...

She sighed as she hid herself under her paws. She peeked with one eye of course, but she still cringed.

At least no one else would be here to witness this.

* * *

Unfortunately for Hanabi, the Kyuubi spoke too soon.

Just as Naruto brought his head down for a kiss, the window was thrown open, a party of 3 now crowding the bedroom.

Sakura, Hinata, and Ino stared at the scene of Hanabi snuggled in a half-asleep Naruto for a full 3 minutes. Hanabi just wiggled happily, not very much noticing they were there.

At least, not until Sakura;s killing intent rose like never before.

* * *

Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage of the Village hidden in the leaves, woke up suddenly as a roar not unlike that of a lion went through the entire village.

"NAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRUUUUUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

She sighed and just opened up a new bottle of sake tiredly. "Fucking paperwork..."

* * *

Oh, Naruto was definitely awake now.

He was also instantly at the farthest end of the bedroom, clad in only his boxers, and unwittingly had pulled Hanabi with him.

Hanabi leaned back and melted into a puddle of goo in his arms.

Sakura just developed a new tick in her head. She grinned menacingly and cracked her neck.

"Just what are you doing to Hanabi, Naruto..."

Naruto in Defcon-negative23(A Defcon specifically reserved and shared between an incoming Sakura and Meteors) only then noticed the young girl who was leaning against him.. all of him, happily blushing away, especially feeling that she was leaning on his...

'He likes me!' Was the only coherent thought in Hanabi's head.

Naruto's blush almost rivaled Hinata's.

"Hanabi.. o.. k... um.. there's an explanation for this..."

Sakura just chuckled darkly. Ino held her head in her hands. Hinata was in another world. 'Oh god, those abs...'

"Ku ku ku ku... Naruto.... THAT'S JUST TOO BAD!" She said, lunging at him.

Naruto eeped and pulled Hanabi aside as he escaped through to the kitchen, holding onto Hanabi.

He cried softly as he heard the demise of his innocent wall.

Suddenly he bumped into someone, just before he could reach the apartment's exit.

Looking up fearfully, Sakura looked down upon him like a roach that needed squishing.

Naruto's eyes widened as he backed up to the wall. Ino went to Sakura's side, pulling a still innate Hinata with her.

Sakura looked down on him again, shadows covering her face ominously, "Naruto... you are already dead..."

* * *

Hanabi was in dreamland.

On her specific cloud nine, she was happily resting against something warm, round and hard, yet soft at the same time. It was much like a sausage, but larger. Her full body blush was there semi permanently, and probably would be burned into her skin by now.

Naruto, however, was panicking. In front of him was a very, very, cute girl that basically came out of his dreams, he was far too gone to throw caution into the wind, and also there was a raging beast in front of them both, ready to make him one with the ground.

Suddenly, something snapped. Naruto unconsciously started to draw upon the Kyuubi's chakra, and he glared at Sakura.

"Dead.. oh no... I won't go down without a fight!" He said, straightening(in more ways than one) as he looked back defiantly at Sakura.

Sakura blinked and took a half step back. Doing so reminded her of the two behind her.

"Get real Naruto, do you think you can take all three of us at once?"

Ino paled, "Wait a second don't bring me into-"

Naruto chuckled darkly as he gently laid the happy Hanabi puddle onto the ground, and stepped past her. This time, it was he who looked down upon Sakura.

"Do you think that your combined strength..." he said, chakra gathering into his now outstretched hand as he smiled grimly. "is anything.." he said, a rather large Rasengan forming in his hands, quickly turning red as he pulled it back. "against my desire to do perverted things to Hanabi!" he finally screamed, "NO! I THINK NOT! YOUR WILL IS NOTHING! MOUEN, [B]RASENGAN[/B].

Sakura's jaw had dropped, and as such, she couldn't dodge the red-hot Rasengan as it burned away her clothes, leaving her in her underwear as she hit the far wall. Ino, from just being near to her, also had her clothes shredded away, as well as part of her bra. Hinata's flimsy clothes evaporated, leaving her in just some panties and the air.

Ino sunk to her knees, shocked. Sakura fell off the wall to her knees as well, and blinked, 'Such... power...' they both said before fainting.

Hinata still didn't notice anything, her gaze far too low to be appropriate. Then again, she wasn't exactly in appropriate dress, so she probably wouldn't care.

Hanabi had a front row seat of Naruto's other 'assets'. She just swayed as she stayed there happily watching.

* * *

Naruto turned around, smiling.

"Hello, Hanabi-chan.." he said, smiling gently.

Naruto was a changed person that night. He finally stood up for himself, against Sakura. He now could tell, she never cared about him, except as a convenient dummy for beating upon.

Sakura was gone from his dreams forever, now replaced by this.. this _loli_ now next to him.

He didn't realize until very recently that he liked younger and less developed girls. Jiraya always tried to take him into many 'bars of ill content', but the women in there did little for him. He only liked those around his age, and now he can say he was proud of it.

So when Hanabi here whispered into his ear, she triggered something that could not be held back.

A new Uzumaki Naruto was on the loose.

* * *

Naruto and Hanabi now sat on his bed, Hanabi cuddling up to him happily, and Naruto holding her.

'Naughty things... with Naruto-kun...'

"Hanabi... wanna do it?"

She blushed again, the blush reaching past her shirt and over her shoulders.

'She's cute when she blushes...' Naruto thought.

Naruto grinned a little bit too lecherously, "Ne, Hanabi-chan, I'm curious... just how far does that blush go?" he said.

Hanabi's blush didn't change much, but she did answer, "Naruto-kun, why don't we see?"

Naruto cheered inwardly as he reached for her shirt. However, it was not meant to be.

"Tch... another hindrance appeared..."

Naruto turned to face the not very stotic Hyuuga head, Hyuuga Hiashi.

* * *

Hiashi… had large twin trails of tears running down his face. When he spoke, his voice was booming, yet not loud.

"Boy, release my beautiful, talented, lovely daughter. _Now._"

Truth be told, Hiashi didn't really have anything against the so called 'Kyuubi-brat'. He was a Hyuuga and easily could tell that he wasn't the Kyuubi at all.

However Hiashi was also a father, and did not want this... deviant any closer to his lovely, innocent, pure daughter.

Ahh, just more proof that you can be naive at any age.

"Ummm,… no?" Hiashi twitched.

Naruto had vacated the bed for only a few seconds before he ducked, a chakra-laced palm passing quickly where his head just vacated. Hanabi ducked to the side as she realized the technique Hiashi was using. Not half a second later, a thin beam of light-blue chakra exited from his hand. When it struck the wall, it not only punched through, but made a giant crater from the sheer force of it's impact.

'Holy shit.'

Naruto struck back just as quickly, however, a quick sweep turning into a quick side kick as he spun.

His aim would have been true if Hiashi stayed there, and now Naruto had a foot stuck in the wall.

He pulled it out with ease, grinning as he launched himself at the angry father.

Like he would let this hindrance stop him. He was fighting for a new reason now, not a promise, or a false chance for friendship. He was fighting for himself for the first time in his 15 years. No, he was fighting for his right to snuggle Hanabi. Hiashi had no chance.

It felt good.

* * *

Naruto laid back in his bed, one of the few undamaged pieces of furniture in the house. Hanabi lied next to him, blinking somewhat in awe.

Both of them just laid there, looking up at the sky. The entire roof of the apartment was non-existent now. Naruto told himself that it was the last time he tried to use the Rasengan on a Kaiten, it wasn't fun to have a small whirlwind in your house.

It was nice though, he was able to knock out the berserking father("YOU'LL PAY FOR STEALING HANABI'S INNOCENCE!" "I haven't been innocent since I was 8..." "!!! I'LL KILL YOU BRAT!" "IT WASN'T ME- OH SHI-") with that accident. He was probably far, far away now.

* * *

Mitarashi Anko loved her apartment. After countless S-rank missions where her life was on the line, she was one of the few Jounin who could afford such a luxurious space and still have money left over.

So she was understandably very pissed when some Hyuuga guy and a pink-haired girl, both in odd states of undress, crashed through her wall, dining table ("MY CHINA!"), another wall, her bedroom, and end up on her bed in an incredibly compromising position. And on top of her.

As she slipped out of the tangle, she eyed the two unconscious people.

Well, not people. Victims. Anko pulled her camera out of a nearby drawer and chuckled evilly. Not all revenge is best done with kunai, needles, and other delicious, pointy objects, she thought to herself, as she started to 'arrange' the two.

Her cackles scared her neighbors who decided to go back to sleep instead of wondering what happened.

* * *

"...Say, Hanabi.."

"Yes, Naruto-kun?" She said, turning to face him. She had lost most of her blush, though you probably couldn't tell.

"Want to go somewhere more... private?" He asked. Normally he wouldn't mind too much just going at it right there, but he was positive that there would be ANBU or other curious people coming to see what the fuss was.

"Sure.. anywhere..." she said.

Hanabi was slightly confused to be honest. Ever since she joined her sister (unknowingly to Hinata) in watching Naruto's daily activities, she never heard him sound so… _manly_.

His voice was somewhat melancholy and yet full of passion she never heard even in his declarations of becoming Hokage.

Her thoughts fled from her as he picked her up bridal style, and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Oh well, at least she was more coherent around him.

Naruto smiled as she melted again. It was just too cute, he thought, as he lept away from his ruined apartment. He decided the best place to go would be the training grounds above the Hokage Monument. He smiled as he looked in it's direction, and started to make his way there, Hanabi in his arms.

Inwardly he chuckled. Tonight was going to be _awesome_.

* * *

Hinata woke up.

She sat up a bit quickly and her back protested. Angrily.

Wincing, she rubbed at it, noticing that she was very naked.

Her entire body blushed as she tried to cover up her assets, but it really was ineffective.

Crouching down, she looked around the ruined apartment. Ino was there, out cold and naked as well. Hinata found herself staring at her. Unconciously, she licked her lips, but shook her head as she realized that Naruto wasn't in what was left of the room.

She stood up, and made her way to the ruined dresser. Looking around the mess, she blushed some more as she realized that she would have to wear Naruto's clothes to leave. Most of it seemed to be shredded, however. She was lucky however to find a large black shirt with an orange spiral on it, and some pants. There was one pair of boxers left as well.

Hinata had to fight not to pass out, though she did smile and get a nosebleed. Heavily blushing, she also found some sandals. She clothed herself, grinning a little. These were comfortable… Naruto probably wouldn't mind if she kept them…

Then she remembered about Hanabi.

Her eyes got wide, automatically going into the Byakugan. Her world turned monochrome, and it was pure luck that she saw Naruto's chakra signature before it went out of her range.

Forgetting everything else, she leapt after him in chase.


End file.
